I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
