that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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