Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize