You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize