what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
