I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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