The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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