I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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