I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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