dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
