I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize