OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
