Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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