im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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