There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
