so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Randomize
