Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Randomize
