By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
