There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
