it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
