"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
