you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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