Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
