Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
