i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Pants are for mortals
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
