I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
