with your own penis?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
