my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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