he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
