And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
My first STD was from a foam party
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
