my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
