i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
