Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Randomize
