I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Randomize
