Life is so much better after having sex.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
