I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
