if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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