I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
