paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize