is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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