Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
