I will die if light touches me.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
