We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
