How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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