my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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