I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
