So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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