I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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