hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
