i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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