For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
