I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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