Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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