tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
only you would photoshop your dick
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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