Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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