There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
